Muh? Buh...

Sorry, the title isn't too creative. But I thought I had something to write about, but found that by the time I had logged in and all I can't remember what it was. Hmmm... That sentence seems to have a variety of tenses in it. Oh well...
My typing is becoming atrocious. I've never been what you'd call a speed typist, but I used to have reasonable accuracy. I now seem to be suffering from some weird form of keyboard dyslexia - I find that when I read back over some of what I've typed I'll have a few words that aren't actually words, where I've managed to hit the key next to the one I wanted for an entire word. I don't know if it's my eyes, my brain or my fingers, but it's annoying...

Life is much the same. Work. Sit about at home. Visit sister and nephews. Sleep... Well, not so much sleep recently. My sleep has been fairly broken for the last two weeks. I'm not sure why - I find that if I go to bed at about 8 in the morning, I'll wake up every two hours almost exactly. It's weird. But on the plus side, I've been getting plenty of naps at work, so it's not so bad :)

I'm really looking forward to Anzac weekend. I'm going up to Tauranga to visit my folks for a week, and my brother and his wife and little person should be there too. It should be great... And I've taken the rest of the week off when I get back home, so I get a proper break from work. I know it's not that long since Christmas and all, but I feel kinda... frazzled? Just knackered, bascially.

I'm still undecided as to whether Prozac is responsible for my improving mood, or if it's just a case of having it all out in the open making life feel...freer? I don't think that's a real word... But anyway, I'm feeling really pretty good most of the time now. It's great... But I think the drugs kind of balance me out. I used to have crazy manic periods, too, which i haven't mentioned to my doctor... Where I'd feel ridiculously "up," and need to be as busy as possible. Without an adequate focus, this feeling tended to eventually lead to frustration. So having that dampened too is good. It was one of the things that I was worried about when I considered antidepressants - someone told me that they basically even you out, so that things in general don't affect you as much, and I thought that I didn't want to lose my highs, even if it meant I had to live with the lows. I'm very glad that I got past that - I can see now that those ups weren't particularly healthy either. I know that I'm essentially diagnosing myself as manic depressive, but this is basically how I feel... Or felt, anyways...

But for the moment, life is good, I have things to look forward to, a reasonable degree of clarity of thought, and a fairly positive outlook. It's... nice :)

Express yourself...

Okay, so I was just listening to Fade to Black, the Metallica song. I grabbed my guitar and played along with the rythmy chorus bits. And I was struck by the realisation that there are people in this world who don't have any particular creative outlet. How do these people get by? I play the guitar badly, but I still find just hammering away at power chords, or plucking out something like Greensleeves, very relaxing. I can't imagine what it must be like to have absolutely no outlet for this side of me.
It's like when I was working at Hoyts in Wellington, and there were people who told me that they'f never read a book. I mean either you must have an incredibly busy, fulfilling life, or there is a huge cultural void there. I can't imagine what it must be like to not have read... stuff. I'm sure people know what I mean. Books, stories... what you read gives you an insight into the nature of other people, I think. Perhaps this is why bullying and things is becoming a bigger problem these days. I know that in reading things like the Dragonlance Chronicles, I developed a greater degree of empathy. The way some authors express their view of the world and relationships really can have an impact on your world view.
I watched some of 20/20 the other fay, and they had an article about bullying. It made me despair for the future of our race, really... They had a couple of cases of highschool students who had beat up or assaulted their classmates. And the scary thing was, the students who did the beating said that they were sorry, and that they wished they hadn't done what they did... But their only given reason had nothing to do with understanding or empathy, but simply that they got in trouble.
It's a bizarre thing to me. In my teenage years, I had several occasions where I wanted to thump people. And I guess that for the most part, it wasn't fear of punishment so much as fear of retaliation that kept me from hitting people. But there were also plenty of times where I could see that I wouldn't like someone to hit me, so I didn't hit someone else. And that is what seems to have disappeared in today's youth - that ability to empathise with a potential victim.
There were people who were that fucking obtuse in my day too, people who would bash anyone just for the hell of it. But it seems that these days, the balance has shifted, so that there are far more of these mindless fuckers who go straight to violence with no filters or control. It doesn't bode well for the future of our species, if you ask me...

Say Uncle...

I love being an uncle. Eli and Ben are both huge amounts of fun. Eli, being the age that he is, is quite a handful, and I think I'm getting some idea of what my mother means when she says that I was "busy" as a child.
Yesterday, I had my usual Friday of going to my sister's place and hanging out. We went to Northlands mall, for... stuff. I can't remember exactly why it was Northlands... I think it was just because there is a Pak'n'Save there, and we could wander around the mall after shopping for grocery type stuff. We went to Te Wharehouse, a place I quite enjoy shopping... Basically to look for new shoes for Eli, but I ended up buying a few things too. Eli got two pairs of jandals - after he tried on his first pair, it was pretty much impossible to get them off him, so we bought them for him. It was quite entertaining watching him try to get the hang of walking in them. He was sort of shuffling forward, and if he got excited and decided to run, the jandals got lost pretty quick.
I bought a T-shirt and some shorts. I finally decided to buy a smaller size of shorts than I usually get, and it's quite good - they don't fall down if I'm not wearing a belt :)
Back at my sister's place, I played with both the boys in the lounge for a while. I find Ben amazingly cute - I mean Eli is cute too, and little Dom is lovely, but there is something about Ben that is just... wonderful. I think it's the way he smiles. He is almost always a very happy, smiley little person. And the way he squeals in delight when you pick him up, and flaps his arms about is great.
But I was playing dinosaurs with Eli, which is cool. He was a T-Rex, and I was a Diplodocous. Or however you spell it... Anyhoo, the game basically involves the Dippy person crouching and pretending to eat grass, and then the T-rex comes running up and jumps on it. It's enormous fun having a little person jump on you, and being able to pick him up and play with him. It's probably more seeing how much he is enjoying it than it is having fun yourself.
But yes, uncledom is wonderful. I get to have all this fun with these little people, and I get the satisfaction of knowing that I'm helping out my sister, and at the end of the day, when I'm knackered, I can go home and leave the boys in someone else's hands :)

I watch stuff...

Well, not a great deal has been going on recently. Work is still a bit of a mess. We are currently about eight days behind on our production schedule. It would seem that the solution to increased competition in the marketplace and needing to increase production has been to paint squares on the floor, shut down things periodically to change the colours of these squares, amd put us over a week behind on customer orders. Clearly I am not cut out to be a planner at GC, because I fail to see the benefit of this new system...

My weight loss has stalled, but I am not gaining weight, which is cool. The next step, I guess, is exercise, but I can't be bothered going out half the time. I needs me some sort of home equipment, like an exercycle or rowing machine. Or I need to stop being a pansy and just go out for walks more.

I have watched the first two seasons of Dexter over the last couple of weeks. I love this show... It is quite possibly my favourite TV show ever, at the moment. It's about the life of a guy called Dexter (surprisingly) who works for the Miami PD as a forensics person by day, and is a serial killer by night. But he only kills murderers who have escaped justice. It makes him an interesting character, because while what he is doing is essentially not a bad thing, his methods are fairly horrific, and he is basically a monster, so it's hard to call him a hero. But it's as much about his "normal" life and interactions with other people as it is about the killing, which is kind of what makes it interesting. I highly reccommend it.

I also downloaded and watched Planet Terror - the Robert Rodriguez half of Grindhouse. It is quite possibly the best bad film I have ever seen. I absolutely loved it. I was laughing myself silly through most of it, and definitely in a godd way. It perfectly captures that cheesey low budget horror feel. If I was going to make bad horror/sci-fi films with a big budget, this is exactly the sort of thing I'd like to make. I'm quite curious to see Deathproof now, but will have to wait a couple of weeks as downloading two seasons of Dexter has used up a significant chunk of my data cap. Oh well...

On the other hand...

Okay, so the whole depression thing is basically crap. But I forgot to mention the one up side of my most recent slide into major depression - weight loss. It's a funny thing to talk about anyway, but I'm feeling pretty good about how much I've shrunk of late, so there you go...
Basically, with the whole getting really down and losing interest in life in general, food became more of a chore than a comfort. It's one of those odd things, I guess - in the past I've been an emotional eater. That is to say, when I've felt down or bad, I've taken solace, to some extent, in filling myself up with food. But in this latest major downturn, I've hit a place that is more "I can't be bothered" than "I feel empty."
I don't know how all of this is going to make other people feel - but it gets to a point where all you can do is laugh or cry about what is or has been wrong with you, and today I'm in a laughing mood.
Anyhoo, with mt disinterest in food over the last four months or so, I've lost around 15 kilos. Which is quite a bit, really... I hadn't particularly noticed it myself, but then a couple of people at work said I was looking heaps skinnier, and asked me what the secret is. I didn't tell them that getting seriously fucking depressed was the key - I just said that I'd been eating less food.
But anyway, the cool thing is that even though I'm generally feeling better at the moment, with the drugs and all, I haven't developed the same appetite I had. I am enjoying food again, but I feel full fairly quickly, and am eating far less than I used to. So hopefully the weight loss woill continue, without needing to feel like shit : )
You have to what? you have to laugh...

Changes

The last couple of weeks at work have been interesting. We have had a couple of major changes - first to the standards of PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) and now we are changing the whole system of running the factory. The changes to PPE actually went through fairly smoothly, after a lot of grumbling and moaning. Basically, we are all now wearing high visibility shirts and overalls, safety glasses have become compulsory when in the factory, and hearing protection is mandatory too. There were originally plans to ban all visible piercings, and watches and other jewelery. But the company backed down on that.
The new system being introduced is going to be fun - we will be working to customer orders only, not making stock any more. This is supposed to increase productivity, when combined with new visual cues and stuff. It'll only work if the sales team can pick up their game, and get enough orders to keep us busy.
Okay, I'm watching the second episode of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles while I'm writing this, and it's hard to concentrate, so I'm going to leave it there. Basically, work is getting even more naff than it usually is. It may well be time to seriously consider a new job.
However, the last couple of days have been kind of fun. Friday me and Kate were basically just goofing around, because Sunday was the start of the changes, so we weren't too worried about production. And last night was basically just the whole Comms night shift crew moving stuff around, and mucking about. It was cool...

Pots and kettles...

I just received my weekly-ish e-mail from a friend of mine in tauranga, and I remembered something I wrote a while back about depression and things. This friend of mine is the one who I mentioned ages ago, who was sent to a doctor by his parents because he couldn't get a job and things, and ended up on antidepressants. At the time, I was fairly critical of the whole affair, saying how giving people drugs to mask problems was a bad thing, I think, and that when i was his age and in a similar state, I didn't get offered any help, I was just expected to get on with things. Now here I am, seeing a doctor, on prozac, admitting finally that there is something wrong with me, and that this something has been negatively affecting my life for a very long time. I think now that I have been an idiot all these years, and that if I had started on this process ten years ago, I'd probably be living a very different life now. Oh, bugger... I'm very tired and this is getting difficult to keep together.
But then life is always a series of what-ifs and if-onlys... The thing that has really struck me about all this is that people are much better than I expect. Of course I know my family love me, and all that, but the whole depression thing has always felt like something I should keep to myself, out of embarrassment, and not wanting to burden anyone else with my stupid problems. It's funny, when I told my sister about this last week, she said that she knew there was something wrong years ago, when she came to visit in Wellington, but she didn't know what to say. I hadn't realised that I wasn't hiding things as well as I thought back then. But then that's an interesting period for me. When I look back on my time in Welly, most of it is good memories, good times had with good people. But when I look back through the diaries I kept at the time, they are loaded with fairly nasty, unpleasant sentiments, and a general theme of hatred for the world and idle thoughts of suicide. I guess that I have been sad and angry for most of my adult life. But it's one of those things that is very hard to explain - being depressed like this doesn't mean I spend all day every day feeling like shit and wanting to die. I have good and bad days and moments, it's just that the bad significantly outweighs the good.
But to put a little positive light on all of this, because I'm not all about the bad, I feel that I should explain about what keeps me going. Despite the fact that on a conscious level, I expect to be disappointed by people and the workings of the world, I have at the core of my being this eternal, unquenchable feeling of hope. I am, at the heart of it all, an eternal optimist. I genuinely believe that things will one day get better. Even at my blackest moments, this unshakable hope keeps me going. And so I will always be here, waiting for that elusive good thing to come along and change the world. Well, my world, at least...

And so much later...

Okay, so it's been a very long time since I last added to this thing. My life after that last post took a decidedly uncool turn, and it's taken quite a while for things to come right. The things that went wrong were pretty much my own fault, and not surprisingly alcohol was involved. But I'm finally feeling better. Properly better...

This probably isn't stuff I should write about, but hey, hardly anyone reads this thing anyway. The night out that I was looking forward to in my last post before Xmas was a complete shambles. Although I can't remember the worst parts, it was seemingly a whole new low for me. I don't know how much I had to drink - I didn't take that much with me, but people had a beer bong, and I hadn't slept since Thursday afternoon, so wasn't in the best state to start with. But basically, I was a mess - apparently I fell over in a bush at one point, and someone tried to put me in the recovery position. Herm... But the bad stuff - all centers around Kate. The evening started well - she picked me up, and we went back to her place to wait for Mark to get home. That was cool - just sitting around her house, checking out her room, shaving part of my leg... fun. (Kate apologised for her hairy legs, and I asked how annoying it was to shave them, so she decided I should find out.) When we got to Marks place, it was cool for a while, just sitting in the sun and talking bollocks. Then the beer bong came out, everyone started moving around and stuff, and things went sour. Kate went off to spend time with Mark, then was getting cosy with someone else on the couch. And then, basically, I went insane. Apparently I followed her into the kitchen and started yelling at her, asking why she hated me. Then I was being "scary," although she hasn't elaborated on what that means. So she started hiding from me. I couldn't remember the shouting, so couldn't understand why she was avoiding me. Then at the end of the night, when we were all going to town, I saw her with a person she really shouldn't have been with (someone who is married or engaged), and apparently lost it again, calling her all sorts of horrible things before staggering off by myself. And finally, I sent her a very nasty text message. Fucking brilliant...

I didn't find out what I'd actually done until Xmas eve, when she finally responded to my texting and explained things. Needless to say, the Xmas period was somewhat less than fun. I felt like complete shit right through my time off work, and was dreading going back. On the first night back at work, no one said anything, and Kate was still talking to me, although not much. I didn't know what to say. On the second night back, she came and talked to me properly, and I apologised some more, and she said she wouldn't hold it against me, that it was drunken stupidity. But she insisted that I go to a doctor.

Yeah, perhaps I should explain a bit about that... Basically, I'm clinically depressed. Neat, huh? And even better, I apparently also suffer from dysthymia, or chronic depression. Which I guess I've always been aware of, but had never done anything about. But a couple of months back, I made a silly comment about going on antidepressants for a laugh to Kate, which led to me telling her everything about how I feel. She told me then that I should get help, but I couldn't do it.

After that episode at Marks place, I decided that I should seek help, as a sort of apology to Kate as well as because of what I can see is wrong with me. So I've been seeing a doctor for the last couple of months, and I'm on Prozac. I'll be going into therapy in a while, once my mood has stabilised and I'm in a headspace that'll let me take on board what a counsellor has to say. My state of mind has definitely improved since I've been on Prozac - I still have bad thoughts, and I still get sad, but I can cope with these things much better. And I feel a sort of detachment from it all, like I can stand back a bit and actually look at and analyse what is going on. I don't know if that is just the drugs, or if it's a mental shift brought on by taking that first step toward getting better, but either way my life feels like it's back on track for the first time in a very long while.

How will it be?

Apparently the me inviting girls up to the Treehouse thing last weekend is actually a thing. Someone who wasn't even there asked me if I got the girls phone numbers today. So it is a thing that is being talked about. And it has increased my "cred" with people in general. I think that I will see how things go this evening - if I can do that, perhaps I can engage ladies in conversation and have some fun. I didn't know I was capable of such things, but if other people think I can, then why not? This just feels like something has changed in me, you know? I hadn't been out with a group of people in quite some time prior to this year, and I feel... really good about stuff in general with the guys at work. They are really quite blokey blokes, and I guess it's just kind of rubbing off on me.
The "corner buddies" thing didn't really work out last weekend with Kate and Ferini. As I mentioned in the last post, Ferini ended up with a lacerated foot, I got kicked out of a nightclub, and Kate was so drunk that she can't remember various parts of the evening, and isn't exactly happy or proud of the things she can remember. I probably shouldn't be talking about other people like this, but anyone who reads this isn't likely to ever meet the people in question. Things did start out reasonably - I spent a fair amount of time with Ferini until Kate arrived, then spent quite a lot of time with Kate at the Treehouse. It's sort of later that things got messy.
But tonight Kate is picking me and Ferini up and giving us a ride to the first port of call - drinks at someones house. Apparently we are a gang, now. But we don't have a cool name, because we aren't cool. Although I think the girls can speak for themselves - I'm plenty cool, thank you very much ; )

This is the end...

Things I'm looking forward to:

The end of work tomorrow morning. It's the end of the week. Yay!

The end of the working year. Two and a bit weeks off. Yay!

Going out tomorrow night to celebrate the end of the working year with people from work. Yay!

The whole family Christmas dealy. Yay!

Possibly also going to a pub tomorrow morning directly after work with some of the people from work and having beer for breakfast. Yay (if it happens - not too sure on numbers at this stage).

But , all in all, this is a good time of year.

Last Saturday night wasn't bad - I had quite a good time, up to the point where I got kicked out of a nightclub and decided to go home. This was, as far as I can remember, a first for me. And I wasn't even doing anything. I was apparently just standing around looking a bit sleepy, my eyes half closed, and a security guy came up and said I looked like I'd had too much to drink, and could I please leave. He was basically right - I had had too much to drink - but it seemed a little unfair. He was a weaselly little guy who I saw watching me as soon as our group arrived. I think he basically just waited for me to be separated from the group (I don't remember exactly how that happened - I may have gone to the bathroom, I think) and then got rid of me. It wasn't really a bad thing - I was somewhat fucked. And it was three in the morning, so it's not like I piked out early or anything. And another guy in our group got kicked out too. I was also reminded of something by someone at work today - Ferini has had the last three days off because her foot got lacerated when two big fighting Trannies crashed into her and she stepped on a bottle one of them had dropped (this was at a different club after I went home). When she came back last night she was asking if anything interesting happened on Saturday, and then reminded me of this:
While we were at the Treehouse, me and a couple of other guys were outside having a smoke, and they were giving the passing groups of young ladies "Wazzups?" and "How you doin's" without much reaction. I gave it a go with a group of girls and invited them to come upstairs and join us, and they all did. Result! Unfortunately I got somewhat distracted by various other things at that point, so didn't follow up on how they were getting on. But people were well impressed. As was I. The things you can do when you're drunk are really quite surprising. So, not a fantastically interesting evening, but really not bad...

Ongoing ribbing

Well, the week has been interesting. I have officially been ranked as one of the three worst off people at the work do last week. Although it depends to some extent who you talk to. people who just attended the party and didn't go clubbing afterwards say it was a toss up between me and Ferini for messiest person there. Basically I was apparently constantly drinking, and very wobbly on my feet. Also I found out that I almost fell off the smokers balcony. Which given that the do was on the 14th floor would have been quite messy. I was told that I was basically bouncing off the walls outside, and pitched forward over the railing. Someone grabbed hold of the back of my shirt, and he said there was "some tension" there from my weight going too far forward. This is probably the stupidest thing I've heard about me so far. And the scariest. But I'm still here, so never mind...
Yeah, so I was mostly just staggering about and being very, very drunk. Ferini was apparently in a similar state, also can't remember everything (although her memory is substantially better than mine) and fell over three times before she was half carried out because she couldn't walk properly. But apparently she went home, had a power nap and then went back to town to go clubbing. I don't know that I've ever had that kind of endurance...
The third person, who some people say was by far the worst, was Kate. But she wasn't too bad at the do, and only got really messy afterwards at the nightclubs, so half the people at work didn't see her in full drunk mess state.
As an upshot of all this, the three of us are going to be "corner buddies" at Macca's going away do next Saturday. I don't see this as a great idea - the three worst drinkers from the last function trying to keep each other out of trouble. It could get very messy indeed... But I am determined to stick to beer next week (well, maybe a shot or two, but no RTD lolly water drinks, and definitely no Absinthe) which should keep things sane. The only problem with beer compared to other drinks is the amount of time you spend in the toilets, because it definitely moves through me faster than just about anything else. The going away party is at the Treehouse, and I suspect that I will be expected to sing again. I think that this time I will choose my own song, something a little less screechy than Guns'n'Roses. Apparently I have to attend because there has to be someone there to fall off the stage. I will endeavour to be a disappointment in that department this time around...

Not so bad

Well, after a night back at work, it doesn't sound like things were too bad on Saturday. Apparently I'm a "legend" again. And "hardcore." The drinking culture in this country is ridiculous. It's like if you drink yourself half to death, Stagger about and get basically just messy, people are impressed. I'd like to get through a night like this with my memory intact. The problem is I don't seem to have an off switch once I start drinking. And once I'm really drunk, I don't know how much I've had or when to stop. And, apparently, I get quite angry when people try to stop me. Herm...
Still, from the sounds of things my getting "messy" wasn't the most embarrassing thing that went down at the do. In fact, from the sounds of it, there were other people in similarly bad states, just not quite as early as me. Oh, and people weren't so much worried about me when I left, it was while I was still there. Apparently they tried to get me to eat something, but I wasn't having a bar of it. And Kate said I was happy, smiling and laughing when she arrived. Apparently I was trying to have playfights with Macka - He's this other fairly large guy in Comms. But that's fairly normal for me. And it sounds like there were other young ladies making inappropriate passes at members of staff. There is one girl who had last night off who I don't think is going to be too happy about coming in today. She was apparently "pashing up" one of our production leaders, who is about 55 and married. Eww...
But yeah, I guess it was just a pretty regular kind of work party. The cinema functions in Wellington tended to be the same sort of thing. Inappropriate canoodlings, general drunken messiness... And, generally, me too far gone to remember half of it. Although I think that this past Saturday was bad, even for me. I don't usually lose such a significant portion of the evening. Never mind...
Oh, and a quick damage report - left hand still slightly swollen, but feeling okay. Apparently I was punching the ceiling out on the smokers balcony quite hard, which may explain this. Lump on arm - just coming up in a bruise. Probably part of the previous hitting things - possibly bashed it on a pole out on the smokers balcony. Somewhat sore spot on top of head - I am told was likely the result of walking full force into a mirror on the way out of the toilets. Just kind of hurts, but given that it's under my hair I can't really tell if it's particularly bad. No blood or anything, at any rate. Otherwise, I'm fully intact and functioning normally. Which is pretty bloody lucky, really. I sometimes wonder how I've made it to 34 without incurring any serious damage...

A waste of time

Last night was just... nothing. I got really drunk, apparently made a bit of a fool of myself, then went home early. I don't really remember Kate arriving, and a lot of the night is a blur. I don't think the boat race actually happened - the layout of the function wasn't really right for it. Yeah... What a fucking waste of time.
Kate has been texting me this morning - apparently I wasn't too bad, just really drunk. She apparently had some dodgy chicken at BK at the end of the night, so may not be at work this evening. And apparently she was being "skanky" with all the guys at the do, including the ones who had girlfriends with them, so she doesn't want to show her face tonight. Shit. Nothing ever works out right. The only embarrassing thing she mentioned about me was I was doing my "go on, hit me in the stomach" thing. Or beer belly, as I was apparently calling it. Oh, and apparently everyone was really worried about me when I left. Ha.

Party!

Yup, it's the work do this evening. I'm still of two minds about the whole thing - but I think that I'm more excited now than worried. I'm part of the boat race team - and I think that people are expecting me to be a real asset. The boat race is two teams, one from Comms and one from Mains, about eight people in each, and we're doing the double run - meaning that we all have to skull (or is it scull?) two pints, and whoever is the anchor has to down two in a row. That'll be pretty tough. I don't think I'll be stepping up for that position. But with the competitive nature of the guys at work, I'd better be able to drink the way I could back in the day. It's been quite a while since I tried to chug back a pint all at once. They are trying to balance up the teams, so with only one female in Mains who'll be joining in, there is only one women's spot on our team. Which doesn't work out all that well - Kate and Ferini both want to join in. Personally I don't see any problem with that - I don't see gender as a basis for drinking ability. Kate is quite the pisshead, and I suspect that she could drink half the guys at work under the table. I guess we'll just have to see how things work out...
What else? I had a consultative meeting with the otehr union reps and the company yesterday. From the sounds of things, my department - Comms - is dying slowly. Apparently the future of wire manufacturing is mostly in medium voltage energy cable. Oh well - I'm getting pretty bloody sick of the place anyway. I think that I'll stick it out through next year while I'm living with my sister and her family, then seriously look for something more... interesting at the end of the year. Although it's not like the Comms plant will be shutting down immediately - I think the general projection si a steady decline over the next ten years. So I can probably stay on at GC for a while yet. I have considered doing some extramural study, just to keep my brain from atrophying. I am quite interested in doing a Bachelor of Communication, majoring in journalism studies. It doesn't lead directly to being a journalist- there is a post graduate course that follows from it that is industry based. But it does seem interesting, and who knows? If it goes well I could do the Vocational course in a few years time. Mostly it would just be something better than TV and rubbish to occupy my time. And it's been a while since I've borrowed any money from the government - my student loan has actually been shrinking quite a bit over the last few years.
I hate this period of time - I'm feeling really antsy about the function tonight, and just want to start drinking now. But it's perhaps a little early... I could go to a bar in town at 5pm to get started - the do isn't till 7:30, but at least one person is starting at 5, then others are heading into town around 6. Unfortunately Kate won't be coming in till later - she is bringing a friend who works on Saturdays, so is waiting for them at her place. I think she'll be arriving around 8 o'clock. Which means that I'm going to have to pace myself - I don't want to be too drunk before she arrives. I don't know that there will be anything happen, but if I'm too pissed it'll definitely kill things. On the other hand, if I'm too sober, I'll just be my usual crap self. So there is a tightrope to be walked. Oh fuck it, who knows what may come? As long as I have some fun and don't make too much of an ass of myself, it'll be all good...

Meh...

So, what's new? Well...

I'm apparently going to be attending the work end of year social function. I don't know that I really want to go, but have been persuaded to attend. I figure that either I'll get far too drunk and make a fool of myself, or I won't get drunk enough and will just be bored and annoyed by stupid drunk people. Whatever the case, I can't say that I'm really looking forward to it. So why am I going? Oh, and I've been recruited for the skulling team. That should be messy. Guys at work are very competitive. They run pool competitions on a regular basis, enlisting pretty much anyone they can. I have not participated. Because it isn't like playing for fun - most of them take it far too seriously, hassling each other in a slightly less than just friendly way, running one comp that actually had money involved, talking about how crap other players are behind their backs... All just a bit naff. The skulling competitions at social do's tend to be Mains versus Comms. And it's interesting - when I started working at GC, I had applied for a job in Mains, but was offered a position in Comms. Apparently I was "too intelligent" to do the job that was on offer in Mains. I don't know why I put too intelligent in quotes there, but never mind. I caught myself doing air quotes at work the other day. I wanted to smack me for it. Anyhow, I have noticed, in general, something of a difference between the staff in the two factories. For the most part, I wouldn't have said that the work in Comms is that much more complicated than in Mains, but there do seem to be slightly more with it, mature people on the Comms side of the place. At least on nightshift.

I was thinking about looking for another job the other day, because I am getting bored with the work I'm doing and generally sick of the people I have to be around at work. But when I really thought about it, it struck me that it isn't the specific people I work with, it's just people in general. And work in any field is likely to bore me, unless I do some training or study so I can look at more interesting careers. And actually the people at work aren't that bad. And the money ain't bad, neither. Fuck it...

I still really like my new car. It's just cool. And I've had a couple of people at work comment favourably about it, which is good. It's funny - I know that I think it's totally cool, and I love the way it looks and whatnot, but I still feel a little insecure about whether or not other people like it. It shouldn't matter - but it does. But there's one guy at work who bought an RVR recently too, who thinks that their great cars in general and that mine is a particularly good looking example. And another guy on Sunday night pulled up alongside me at the traffic lights on the way to work, and when we got to work he said it was a "real nice" looking car, especially with the cool wheels. Nicely reassuring.

Okay, so I'm not really sure where things are with Kate (the nice young lady at work). But hey, that's pretty much where things always end up with me and the ladies. But it was her that persuaded me to go to the work function. Not that that means anything - she was also trying to persuade other recalcitrant people they should attend. I think she's just that kind of person. So I think I'll just see how things go there - it's in a couple of weeks. I guess that, as much as anything, that's why I'll be attending.

Little Dude

"Keys"
"What?"
"Want keys"
"Okay,"
(Uncle hands nephew, standing on drivers seat of car, the keys)
"Why do you want the keys?"
"Drive"
"Where are you going?"
"Drive shops... Get chipees... from McDonalds"

I love my nephew...

Teh Car

Okay, so I said I'd post photos of my car. When I could be bothered taking photos. And I have been bothered.
I went over to my sister's place this morning and me and my brother-in-law (and my nephew) did the whole car cleaning thing. We have come to an agreement that this should be an ongoing thing, like every Saturday. Which seems very blokey, but is also very cool. Because I like my new car very much, and keeping it looking good is... good. Plus doing this with someone else allows for the splitting of costs - I'm going to track down a decent car polish, while my brother-in-law will be purchasing tire-shining stuff.
Wheeeee!
What else? I asked the nice young lady from work out a couple of weeks ago, then came to realise that it wasn't the best idea, so haven't made any real plans with her. The thing is, I find her very attractive, and kind of fun, and I feel much happier about the whole being at work deal when she is around. But... well, she is a bit of a "party girl," and just a little too busy for me. I think if I'd met someone like her ten years ago, it would have been great. But she really makes me feel like I'm actually 34 years old. Most of the time I don't even think about it, but when she's telling me about what she gets up to every weekend, I find myself split between two sort of modes of thought.
On the one hand, there's the old, tired me of now that thinks that what she is getting up to is just no good, and that the youth of today are all evil and debauched. And at the same time, there is the realisation that my life at the age of twenty was fairly hedonisitc, and that what she is doing with her Friday and Saturday evenings is no worse than anything me and my friends used to get up to.

Actually, I did know girls like her when I was her age, but I was too much of an idiot to pursue them when I was their age. If that makes any sense...
I went to see 1408 on Friday. I thought it was great. I fell asleep during the first bits, and I think I may have missed one or two amusing moments, but I was very much awake for the bulk of the film, and it was a properly scary movie. Not like all these Saw sequels, or Hostel, or whatever other god-awful gore-porn pile of shit you may care to name. It was like a properly scary, old timey horror film. Like all the classics from the 70s and 80s, like Evil Dead 2, or The Thing...
It sucks that the standard for "horror" films these days seems to have far less to do with story, or ingenuity, or actual scares, and is more about just blood and guts and shock value. Films like Hostel, that was just a crappy story, a bunch of pointless shit to lead into just some truly horiffic, nasty scenes. Like the most important thing in a horror film isn't what you make people feel right down in their guts, but if you can make people feel like being sick from seeing disgusting shit. Blurgh, I don't know if I'm getting across what I'm thinking. Basically, I think that people like Eli Roth (the writer and director of Hostel) should just basically fuck off. They make terrible, pointless films that only cater to the lowest common denominator. Like Saw. I watched the first one, and was actually quite impressed. It was quite well thought out, had some genuinely shocking bits, and actually had a story of sorts to tell. then you get Saw 2, and Saw 3, and now Saw 4... And they are all just fucking awful. Cashing in on a franchise, with no consideration of whether or not it's artistically valid. Just about cash. Fucking money... At least I assume that's the case. Because if the people who write these fucking awful sequels actually think they are putting together a worthwhile addition to a storyline, that is very, very sad indeed.

Retards

"Aaayyyyy"
"Brooooo"
"Aaayyyy"
"Fuck, bro, fuck"
"mumble incoherently BITCHES mumble mumble"
(sound of basketball hitting footpath)
"Fuck,"
(idiot laughter)
(shitty rotary engine that sounds like a car farting, revving high followed by tire squeals)
(more idiotic laughter)
"Fuck, man, bro..."
"You's all bitches"
"mumble gotta get mumble bitch mumble fuck"
(more annoying car noises, basketball bouncing and idiot laughter)
(carries on in this vein for about 10 fucking minutes)

Soundtrack to my Friday evening, trying to take a nap on my couch with the window open. On going to close the window, discovered that what I would have taken from the voices to be a gang of "thugs" or homies was in fact three white teenagers and one polynesian kid in school uniform. Which just goes to show, you can't judge a book by its cover, or some shit... I'm very, very tired...

Driving

That was a huge amount of fun. "That" being the drive I just went for. Went on? I don't know ... Anyway, I was just driving for the sake of going for a drive. I started out on the road to Timaru, heading out of Christchurch through Hornby. I saw a sign with a directional arrow to Akaroa, and recalled that my brother-in-law had said that the road to Akaroa was a good drive. So I changed course and went on a little adventure. About 15 minutes out of town, there was a divergence in the road, one direction heading out to Akaroa, the other going through Gables Pass to Diamond Harbour and Lyttleton. I considered the use of petrol and things and decided that the shorter drive would be more sensible. The Gables pass road turned out to be a very good choice. It is a twisty, fun little road that winds up hill for quite a distance, then is just as twisty and turny on the way down. It is really fun to test the limits of a cars steering, tyres and engine. Not that I was driving like a maniac or anything - you really couldn't on a road like this without potentially taking a fairly long drop into someones valley farm.
After that stretch, I turned back into Christchurch over Dyers Pass. It is also a spectacular road, both in the feel of driving a tight winding road with a dangerous drop just to the edge of you, and also the views. The back side of the Port Hills are rough, goarse covered masses, running down to a small Harbour (or mud flats while I was driving there - the tide was out). And as you come around the top of the hills, you get this amazing view over the whole of the city. It would be awesome at night, too. And the road to get to Dyers Pass from the Christchurch side isn't far from my flat, so I can go up that way whenever I like without much travel. Neat...
But yeah, I now have a fairly good idea of the handling and performance of my new car in a good variety of conditions, and I love it. It's about the same power as my old car, but a bit zippier, and kind of more fun. Generally, very cool indeed. I will post photos of the car when I can be bothered taking photos of it.

Vroom! and whatnot...

I bought a new car last week. Hmmm... I can't really think of much of any real interest to say about it. It's a Mitsubishi RVR - kind of a Japanesey, slightly blokey version of my Mum's old Renault Scenic. Which is now my brother's Scenic... BUt yeah, where the Scenic is kind of a family car, the RVR is a little more sporty looking. It's interesting actually, I read a review of the RVR from the Christchruch Press back in 1998, and they rated it very highly, 9 out of 10 in most areas, and said that of the range of similar vehicles on the market at the time, the only real contender was the Renault Scenic. Funny, huh?
I found out how much a good stereo matters to me, too. The head unit in the RVR was stuck on like almost maximum volume (and was a crappy tape deck anyway) so the guy at the dealership offered to have the stereo removed from my old car and installed in the new one. But I had to drive it around over the long weekend with no stereo, as I had to book it into their service centre to get the transfer done. I had planned to do some cruising, maybe head up the Port Hills, or out of town, to enjoy the new car. But without music, it just isn't the same... And when I thought about it in general, I pretty much always have some kind of soudtrack to my life. Generally I select music to either match or change my mood. Loud, happy stuff when I'm feeling good, depressing, angry stuff when I'm feeling bad. And I guess that the depressing, angry music is kind of cathartic - I tend to listen to things like Nine Inch Nails,or songs like Fade to Black, and it'll drag me right down, to the point where I kind of hit bottom, and all you can do from there is either wallow in it, or climb back up. Generally, the climb seems more appealing than wallowing, so it works out as a good way to get myself out of a funk.
On the music side of things, I bought the Top Gear driving anthems album yesterday. It's very cool. A nice mix of kind of groovy, fun songs. It definitely works as a driving album. Which I suppose is the point. But the thing that I really like is that there isn't really anything on it I don't like. Most compilation CDs tend to have some good tracks, some just okay stuff, and some really naff business. This is fairly consistently good, with some really great tracks, too.
And on the being in a funk side, I've been feeling sort of angry or depressed for the last couple of weeks. Most of the time, anyway. Last weekend was good, though - Mum and Dad were in town, so doing family stuff was a nice break from the angriness and depression. Basically, I think I'm just at taht point with my job where I can only just be bothered even turning up. Things that have made the last couple of weeks less than fun...
Well, for a start, there was a work mystery bus trip two weekends ago. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to go, but a nice young lady persuaded me it would be fun, so I bought a ticket. I walked into town on the day of the trip, managed to get lost in central Christchurch, and missed the bus. This was a real bummer. I've missed work-type social events before, but usually because I've decided not to go. It feels really different, and quite crap, to miss something just because I'm too stupid to find a pub. I did find it in the end, but was just too late. Which is even worse...
It doesn't sound like I missed out on all that much - apparently the bus went round a strange route, through pokey areas out in the sticks, stopping at weird country pubs. But still... Mostly, it would have been an opportunity to spend some time outside of work with the young lady who persuaded me to go in the first place. Never mind...
I'm being called on to step up as Union Rep to push an issue at work involving log service leave and our collective contract. And I don't really care about it. There is a guy on nightshift, our electrician, who has apparently read some notice from the local Union organiser that says the Union will not be pushing to get people who have been at GC for five years a fifth week of annual leave. That is, Log Service leave at GC has been an extra 5 days of leave after 5 years continuous service. Which in practice has meant 4 weeks of leave instead of 3. With the amendment to the Holidays Act, the company has said that the extra 5 days will simply become part of the 4 weeks leave that are now standard. Which, understandably, has upset a lot of people. I don't quite understand where our Union organiser is coming from, saying it won't be contested, as in the contract the wording is quite clear - Long Service leave is an additional 5 days above the provisions of the Holidays Act. So if the Holidays Act now requires at least 4 weeks leave, an additional 5 days makes 5 weeks. I don't really see how the company can argue against that, but apparently they are. But anyway, the electrician has sent fairly angry e-mails to our organiser, called the Union office in Auckland, and various other things, then someone has told him that I'm the Union rep in Comms. He isn't specifically part of the Comms department, but the only other union rep on nightshift is even less with it than me, so I'm the one copping all the flak. He wants me to put forward or at least support a vote of no confidence in the district organiser, and "get my fucking act together" with all the other union delegates across the site and shifts to do something about all this. I pretty much feel like telling him to get fucked and punching him in the face. He may have some valid points, but he just gets on my nerves. Plus I've seen the rest of the correspondence from the district organiser, and it basically says that the matter is still up for debate and is being analysed by the Union legal team. The original notice was fairly crap, but it was from a while back, and things seem to have moved on since then. Which is what annoys me - the electrician is making this a huge issue without actually paying much attention to what anyone else is actually saying. He's got this one idea in his head and won't let it go. Dick...
The last thing that's been getting me down is stranding. Because I'm losing interest in work in general, the only area I particularly want to work is insulating, as it's something I can do pretty much on autopilot, without much real effort. Which in itself is quite funny, as it's probably one of the most complicated jobs in Comms. But I guess it's just what you spend the most time doing, you get very good at. But yeah, this week just past I've been stuck in stranding, because it's almost the end of the month and we need to get all our deliveries out, so thigs are a bit rushed in the back end of the process. I don't really have any legitimate complaint to make - I'm trained to do the job, and it's where I'm most needed - but still, it just sucks, because I fucking hate stranding.
This seems to be a very long post, so I'll leave it there. I think I'm going to go drive somewhere...